What is life’s true purpose?

This morning, I thought to myself that if there were nothing to pursue, a person would be in despair. If I were to be trapped in a routine that I despise, with no exciting reward or opportunities for self-actualization, I would rather not live at all.

I keep creating this scenario where I finally give up and accept everything that is ordinary if that is my fate. The dull image of doing a job just to survive financially is very daunting. I know the most exciting part for me will be if I can excel in this job and climb the career ladder. But will that be enough to keep going if we are destined to be ordinary and accept everything without giving our best effort?

Something in my brain keeps nudging me, saying, "Life is short anyway." Why not take a risk and flaunt everything? If it's meant to be, it will be. 

I've been in this position numerous times, and what somewhat calms me is the fact that there is no such thing as a bad choice - well, unless we live in an alternate universe. But it's true, the choices we make shape who we are today. 

But what if I can’t achieve my goals? Did I overestimated myself? Would the idea that the choices I've made have made me a better person be enough? Will I find myself in a worse position for not seizing every opportunity that presents itself now? Or should I cling to persistence and forge my own path? 

I have always struggled with low self-esteem, but something inside me still believes in the possibility of achieving something extraordinary. 

Should I listen to her or should I give in?

My Duolingo English Test Experience 🤟🏽

Hi Guys. It's been five years since my last post. Long story short, I am now sort of trapped in the middle of a pandemic, with no certain jobs and hopefully not more than 12 months of waiting period until I can get the smell of fresh air.

Since like everyone else I have to stay sane in this new environment, I am planning to revitalize this blog (which will turn 10 years old this year). Plus, this blog also brings back some nostalgic memories, just like every other site that I used to visit back when I was in high school.

I was supposed to go back to school this year to struggle in a postgraduate course. I'm crazy I know.. it's just that I lost myself a couple years ago and I don't know what to do with my life and my future so I decided that it'd be nice to be on campus again.

In order to complete my college application, I had to provide an English proficiency certificate that is still valid before the start date. Unfortunately, my IELTS would have been expired by then (I panicked when I knew this, I thought that I could say goodbye to this expensive test for the next 2 years). 

And then the outbreak struck, I was no longer planning to start my course this year. If you know me in real life, you'd know how realistic (pessimistic) I am as a person. Due to the social distancing protocol, a lot of test centers were closing. Even my friend who had already booked a test was told to reschedule or opt for a refund. And because these higher institutions need international students 😏, my prospective university has started to accept results from Duolingo English Test (DET) since March 2020.

Since this test is only 49 USD (still is the last time I checked), I decided to give it a shot. I mean, what could I lose. And also, owing to my crazy ass paranoid self that was afraid that if I hadn't purchased it ASAP I wouldn't get a slot (they kept on extending the time needed to deliver the results), I bought the test in April. I was in fear of how the situation will unfold and the possibility of losing my offer. I was also terrified if I couldn't defer my study because I still hold a conditional offer.

However, my deferral request was accepted in July and I thought that I'd use my time and practice more before taking the already purchased Duolingo English Test later this year (around December probably). 

One evening, I randomly checked my email spam folder. And there it was, a reminder from Duolingo that I only had 7 days left to take the test or else I'd have to purchase it again. I was shooketh. Why did this important notice have to go into my spam inbox.. when I checked the received date, it was from five days ago, meaning I had only less than two days to prepare for the test. I do realize that this kind of unfortunate thing has happened to me a couple of times before... 

Well, then there I was taking the practice test as much as I can and I got a wide score range of around 105-140, 110-135, 115-145, or similar to that as far as I can remember. I also tried to find tips on the internet on how to ace the test but found nothing I was looking for. I also went on youtube and there were tons of videos discussing question types and how to answer it. I tried to practice along with them, but I contemplated the amount of time I got and decided to just do my best with my current English skill.

I took the test in the morning at 9 am. Because the instruction emphasizes on the importance of quiet surroundings, I told my family to leave the house for an hour. I asked some people who already took the test and they said that they had to take it at least twice for their result to be valid. It turned out that if you move your eyes out of the screen for too long, the assessor will not mark your attempt. And also if there's an indication of other people in the room, your test is invalid.

Basically, the real test is the same as the practice one. The only difference is the number of questions given. During the practice test, I always checked my answers thoroughly. But with the real test, after filling all the blanks or choosing the correct English words, I just clicked next even though I still got 1-2 minutes. I was just so tired of looking at the screen (and of trying not to commit foul play). 

The most difficult part for me is the speaking part, I somehow got an unpredictable question about the domestication of wild animals. I stuttered a lot. There was also a speaking part where they read the question to test your listening skill and how you respond to that verbally. I finished the test in around 45 minutes and received the result exactly 48 hours later.

I got 135.

It's raining

Hello.
I've been scrolling through my old online album and I realised that I used to be a good artist. At least I can draw and create some fine doodles. But now.. I think I have shifted into a left-brain person. I feel sad. I used to love drawing, painting, and creating.. I used to be so creative and now I just feel so ordinary. I feel like I want to cry. Because all my talent seems to have sunk..

I am going to start drawing again in my spare time. I'll try to find some inspiration online. I will try to stop watching and be an audience. I want to make something that I feel proud of. Just for my own pleasure..

If only I have the time.